Friday, April 18, 2014

Go Hornets

There comes a point in everyone's life when you have to ask yourself who you are, what you want, and what you're willing to do get it.

I have reached that point.

I am a learner. I adore libraries and used bookstores, I can get lost in the pages of anything from teen fiction to classic literature, and I get my thrills by sitting second-row on the first day of class. Sure, I gripe about how sore my butt is from library chairs, and wonder when the last time I slept/ate/showered/saw the sun was, but there's no denying that I was made with a love of learning and a love of reading.

For years, I tried to ignore this part of me. It simply wasn't enough. I explained away my insatiable thirst for reading as a hobby, a nuance, some comfort blanket I'd been dragging around since I was four. But I had grander plans for my life. Many of you have heard me talk about these: live in a hut in Africa; work in international relations; do youth ministry; be an au pair overseas; become a nutrition educator. And then some.

Yeah, I know. Pipe dreams.

I waited and waited for things to start happening, for things to feel right. For years, I waited. And wondered...

Now I realize that the problem wasn't in the goals. They were all beautiful dreams that I held for a moment in time. They just weren't true to who the Creator made me to be. Even then, deep down, I knew with each of them that I was forcing something on myself. And as each one fell away, I was one step closer to determining my reality. I came to realize that all I want to do is learn.

I just want to learn.

I want to spend my time immersed in literature and textbooks, deciphering language and critically reading a text to determine meaning and intention that often goes overlooked. I can create an office stacked with books that smell like posterity. I imagine piles of papers filled with brainstorming explosions, and folders on my laptop with the beginnings of my first book. On the wall, in a very collegiate-looking frame, I see a thick piece of paper with my name and "Bachelor's of Arts in English," embossed in gold (and I wouldn't be opposed to something including the word "laude"). And next to that? One that says "Master of Arts." Eighteen to thirty-year-olds will call me "Professor," and I might wear a blazer.

And hopefully, I will be able to encourage and bless students the way professors have encouraged and blessed me on my journey. Because it's been long and hard and pretty unclear. But as I've sat in an office with an instructor who is brilliant, passionate, and rational, and been told that I'm doing well, or that I'm one of the strongest students in the class, and that I have the potential to make it all the way, it has given me assurance that I am capable, diligent, and worthy.

And that the dream can live on. Which is good, because,

I will do whatever it takes. As terrified as I may be (which, honestly, is a fair amount), I'm ready to start living like I actually want my dream. No more excuses, no more half-time student, no more waiting for things to happen. It's time to make things happen.

I struggled with the decision of how to get what I want for quite a while. The pro/con lists for colleges were long and detailed, including everything from how hot it is in summer to how good the sushi is to who would live within an hour's drive to what sort of movies come to the theaters. Gas prices to Trader Joe's. O.P.I "buy one, get one free" to froyo. Airports to "will I have to be more than a fifteen minute drive from Target?"

This is real, kids.

Then one day, I was talking to my wonderful cousin. I was expressing how difficult I was finding it make a choice; one way or the other, something and someone was going to have to give. And I just couldn't make myself choose.

Then she asked me one simple question: What do you want? And just like that, it hit me: If I was going to be certain of what I wanted (which I finally was), then nothing else mattered except getting it. Not the froyo, not the beach, not the weather. Not even the people.

The only thing that matters, is the dream. And self-awareness and a dream of gold mean nothing if you're unwilling to do the hard things necessary to get there.

So I made a decision. I chose the program and the learning environment that I thought was best suited for me and my ambitions, and I signed an "Intent to Enroll."

At California State University of Sacramento.

Just like the Anti-Federalists after the ratification of the Constitution in 1789, I am treating this decision as if it had been my first choice all along. I am excited and nervous and terrified and happy and anxious and proud and I can't wait for September 2nd.

I'll be the one in the second row with new notebooks and pencils with a grin as wide as the ocean.

Go Hornets.

Oh, in case you were wondering, BuzzFeed told this:

Which Disney Princess Are You?

  1. You got: Rapunzel

    Witty and outgoing, you have a sense of humor that always keeps people smiling. You are constantly on the look for adventure and don’t settle down easily.

What's your dream? Are you working towards it?

1 comment:

  1. This was adorable. And it made me smile. I'm proud of you for realizing your dream and starting to attain it. In the end, it'll be worth the journey, the wait, and the outcome.

    Also, this is the second time I wrote this. Note to self: login in first. Or atleast copy and paste. Duh.